Episode 2: Memoir and Writer Self-Care

This podcast episode explores the hesitation people often feel about writing memoirs, fearing it may come across as egotistical or self-centered. Stephanie and Elizabeth share stories from their local writers' group, highlighting the universal appeal of well-crafted memoirs. They discuss the power of relatability and the ability of memoirs to evoke emotions and nostalgia. The hosts emphasize the significance of sharing personal stories, navigating the challenges of vulnerability, and the unexpected emotional impact on both the writer and the audience. They also delve into the importance of reflection and revisiting one's own work to enhance storytelling and capture the essence of personal experiences. The episode concludes with a discussion on the writing process, including the struggle to convey emotions and the value of taking time away from the work before revising and refining it.

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Transcript

0:01

Welcome fellow writers to the Inspired Writer Collective podcast, your go to hub for all things writing. We're your hosts, Elizabeth and Stephanie. Whether you're a seasoned wordsmith or just dipping your quill into the ink well of creativity, we're absolutely thrilled to have you with us. Drawing from our experience in publishing diverse writing genres and the daily grind of showing up for yourself, we're here to be your writing companions. Expect insightful discussions, expert tips, and a dash of inspiration as we navigate the twists and turns of the writing journey together. So whether you're listening on your commute, during your writing session, or just relaxing at home, get ready for an immersive experience that celebrates the art and joy of writing. Hi, I'm Elizabeth, and this is Stephanie. We are here as the Inspired Writer Collective podcast bringing you our episode two, hopefully, assuming I get that first one uploaded and can figure out how to link the audio and an image for it. You know, one thing I was thinking of, you know, coming into this was a discussion that was started at our local in person writers group. On Monday, talking about memoir and that hesitation that people have to write memoir because it feels a little bit maybe egotistical or braggy to think that, you know, your life, your story has some level importance that other people will care about as a, you know, non public figure. But what really struck me in some of the stories that were shared in our local writErs Group this week was just the, the universality of memoir that's done well, you know, how, when, when someone can properly convey the thought process and the emotions around something that it becomes extremely relatable and just so listeners understand what I'm talking about. A woman in our group was sharing a story about traveling in her early 20s, and she was talking about, like, the kind of fly by the seat of the pants decisions that she and her travel partner made, and sort of the, like, going with the flow idea, and also trying to keep expenses down. And. Even though I had never been on a cargo ship and then outside of the Norwegian coast, I absolutely related to her story and it instantly took me back to a night that I had had in Munich and I, I just And And I really was struck in that moment by the universality of memoir and why I find it to be so significant and why I really enjoy reading memoir. Well, and I, I was also struck by her story because at first when she was reading, I was thinking, I don't know if I can relate. I can definitely relate to travel. But then that sense of youthfulness, being in your twenties, being ready to just. Go and do whatever and it was just amazing to all of a sudden be lost in her story and feeling that it connected so much to experiences I've had traveling and it brought back all of a sudden that flood of memories and it is amazing how memoir has that ability to bring you in to someone's story and make you realize the yeah. Just how much we share as human beings across. you know, continents and spaces and places that can bring us together with a single theme, a single story. And, and it was interesting too, because like you were saying, she wasn't sure that this was a story that was worth sharing. And it was absolutely a story worth sharing. By the end, when she finished, Everybody in the group and they were what about six or eight of us there were saying, Oh, my goodness. I love that. That brought this to me that brought that and it just livened up the conversation. And I think she wasn't expecting that at all. But you could see the sense of, oh, my story has meaning and you and I have talked about that so much about the power of story and just the universality of themes and topics. Yeah. And kind of what you hit on, I felt too, I felt that sense of nostalgia in like the way she was painting her story and it wasn't a nostalgia. For her particular time period that she was describing, because this was before I was born but it was the nostalgia for that, that age that we all go through, that period of time in those like, Early 20s, yeah, footloose and fancy free sort of mentality. It really made me nostalgic for for some of those days and some of that experience and and I think there's something to about like sharing memoir that kind of has like a similar thread where it feels also. And feel sort of egotistical in the, in the sharing of it and the reading of it. And I see on people's faces when they share something really, like, personal to them, especially if it's vulnerable or raw, um, they may be hesitant to share a little bit nervous. I know I get nervous, honestly, about sharing some of my stuff because I'm all, I'm anticipating the judgment of my story, right? Whereas what I have seen actually happens is there's a lot of emotion and stuff involved. People are no longer paying attention to your story, they're paying attention to the emotions that you evoke and what that brings up for them in their own life. So then like the feedback I get or the feedback that's given to, to these people who share. These, you know, more raw and emotional moments. It's like, it kind of comes at you full on it. My experience was like, it was like a bullet train coming at me with suddenly I was dealing with. So many of people's, like, emotions over, you know, a story I shared from my memoir about Mother's Day and I had to filter their, like, critiques and responses through this lens of, like, okay, but this also triggered an emotion in them because of, you know, similarity or a difference or whatever in experience. I'D love to hear your thoughts on some of that too. Well, it is, it is interesting to watch the, a little bit of the struggle sometimes as, as I've heard, you know, people share memoirs or, or often there's that place of wanting to feel like you have to apologize maybe for, sensitive topics that are going to come up and really there shouldn't be that apology. Like when we were watching that video, the video was Shonda Rhimes and she was talking about, you know, when you hand something for critique, don't tell anybody about what it's about. It's just, just give it to them, let them filter it, let them process it and let them have their emotions. But I think as I mean, and I'm guessing you experienced this and I mean, I've certainly experienced this sharing some of personal stories is just sitting back taking a breath, not letting their emotions become part of your own emotional space. And it's, there's kind of a tricky balance between that because you want to hear that you've just shared your story. They also have this urge all of a sudden to share their story and then you're balancing multiple stories. But having to remember, but I need to focus on my story as the author of my life and what I'm going through. And so it's definitely interesting. And then we had somebody else in writer's group who shared some poetry that was very raw and personal and It was interesting to watch his experience doing that, not really recognizing that he was being emotional, but that the feedback came from the group of, did you notice that about yourself? And then he kind of reflected. And I think that's the other piece too. I mean, we love. As writers, it's just that space of reflection where you think about the impact of your words. And, you know, poetry is so much shorter than a story, but the impact can be very much the same. Yeah, I talked about this before. I was, you know, rereading what I had written so far in my book as I was getting ready to update it with, you know, the divorce and post divorce and even filtering in some stories. That happened prior to that, that had become relevant with the direction I was taking the book. And I was reading over, like, my description of my wedding day. And it was so unemotional in the way that I had presented it. It was so factual of, like, we had this, my dress looked like this, it was this. But even then, like, I, there was so much I didn't describe. I mean, it was just like, okay, we had this. There were, you know, it was this kind of vibe, these kind of people there. Here's the vows. We said it was like, I don't know, graph or two. I mean, it was so, it was so lackluster, and as I reread it, you know, that hit me differently. Mm-Hmm. you know, reading my own words and then reflecting back on the fact that like. Huh, I was hesitant to like, really paint this picture, but now I don't feel reserved in painting this high high, because I know I get to sort of correct the perception of it with this, you know, lower low later on in the book. I think what held me back early on in my first draft of it was that I didn't want to paint us as this like, happy, wonderful, put together couple. When I knew that that was not where we were present day, and I didn't want to leave the reader. It felt untrue. Leave the reader with this impression that, you know, everything was happy and great when I knew it to not be. But it wasn't until I felt like I had the license to put all of the stories surrounding that in there, all of the significant, you know, highs and lows. It wasn't until I felt like I had that ability that I was able to go back and then add those, you know, details to our wedding day and why we chose to not have a DJ and how unconventional it was and how my I wore a green lace dress and I never walked down the aisle. We just kind of stood at the front together in front of the vineyards and. bUt yeah, I think I share that because you brought the point of how sometimes it's not until you read back your work of memoir or, you know, a very vulnerable personal poem or other personal writing that you can see the emotions or lack thereof that you've embedded into that story. Well, and I think that's really common when we sit down to write about ourselves, it's not always a natural place to come from for some, and it can sometimes feel like a struggle, but I think you raise a great point about taking time, you write your draft, and then you take some time away, and then you go back and reread it, and I think that, that that's a piece that As we're learning to write from a young age is not always encouraged to allow yourself the space to let your writing sit and then come back and and draft it and go back again and realize the pieces that are are missing or where you need more detail or where you need more emotion and where you need more of your voice in there and And I think sometimes we, because of that fear of maybe shocking somebody or making someone feel uncomfortable, we think, oh, we can't put that in there. We can't say that detail. When in fact, really, those are the most important details that need to be in there because those are the pieces that connect us. It's, it is those shocking moments or those unexpected turns. I mean, Just even if you look in popular media, it's what draws people in are those moments and, and their points of connection. Like somebody might feel like, Oh, I wasn't expecting that. But, but then they want to keep reading and then they want to keep learning more. And I think that's the power in, in memoir is really Getting that detail in there so it doesn't feel like you're just reading somebody's to do list or, you know, sort of a very robotic description of what happened, but putting in that piece is if you're having a conversation with your reader that allows for that connection. Yeah, for me, I, you know, there's some stories I really struggled to write. One in particular that comes to mind is about some sexual misconduct that happened between my supervisor and I at we my job and what ultimately solidified my decision to leave and I had a really hard time like conceptualizing being able to write it and I found that what I had to do was I had to write it in my journal first, like, not even anywhere on the computer. Like, I had to have it in a totally separate medium. And a place where I knew that, like, I didn't want to share it. I never had to share it. And it wasn't until I could write it and, and there, and then once it was written down and I saw that it really wasn't that, like, being of a story to tell or that, you know, I don't know, potentially triggering, I mean, depending on some experience, it could be triggering, but it wasn't like, I'm not sure the word I'm looking for. But it. I was able to write it in a way that didn't feel as jarring and off putting as I was worried it would come across so that was like the first step in, in getting it into the book, but then, of course, in my journal, I'm just writing for me, so then I also have to go in and do what you have just described, Stephanie, and like Put in more of that stuff that informs the reader, you know, not just like me in my head with what I know to be true about the circumstances, but like plugging in those details, maybe some historical context or whatever else that I just innately know in my own life, but that the reader needs to know in order to understand. Maybe my reaction to it or why this individual may have felt comfortable doing what they did and that sort of thing. But I, I found that for me, the key to like being able to tap into some of those things that feel really scary to put into writing is to do it in my journal first. I think that's a great way to approach it. I was thinking, as you were sharing that, I was like, what a, what a great way to process, because there's so much power in that pen to paper moment. And I think about that all the time, that sometimes. Some of my best ideas actually happen when I put pen to paper instead of fingers to keyboard. And I know it's so much more popular these days. Everybody wants to sit down at their computer and there's a little bit of the lost art of writing in journals. Probably not so much amongst writers because I mean, if you're anything like me, I have like journals of all kinds and sizes and whatever. But, I think just taking the time to sit and write in that way, you are able to connect with more raw emotion because you're just really directly connecting to yourself that I don't feel happens in the same way all the time, especially even for me when I've sat down to write something right at the computer right with the screen. Sometimes I have to sit back and in the same way and and the majority of my work is, is now becoming fiction in the fiction genre, but I've certainly written my fair share of personal stories in journals for sure. That. Taking the time in the journal is so powerful and such a great way to approach that. Yeah, I think I get hung up sometimes when I'm on the computer. As much as I try, A, not to edit while I write, but B, like, not to focus on, like, word counts or if it's clear. Like, I'm already, when I'm typing it out, I'm already filtering it through, like, What does the reader want? What does the reader need? You know, have I properly explained this? Whereas, like, I can at least remove those requirements when I'm, you know, journaling, and so it gives me a little bit more of a direct access to the emotions of the moment. Well, yeah, no, I absolutely agree. And I was laughing to myself when you were talking about sitting at the computer and feeling the need to edit yourself as you go. I mean, that constantly happens to me and I have to remind myself like, no, this is just, you're just sitting down. You're going to write without stopping and then you can go back later because I, I definitely, and it's partly the perfectionist in me that I'm trying to work on not letting it take over, especially when I sit down to type, because those pieces can be really distracting, the word count, feeling like I didn't get a sentence right and needing to go back. Whereas I find that becomes less of a distraction when I sit down with pen to paper, because I mean, then I just cross something out and I keep going and I'm not backspacing and taking. But sometimes what I think is also important to think about with journaling is that piece of. You might actually write something and you might cross it out, but it might actually be something you'll go back to and you'll use again. That if you're on the computer and you're editing yourself, you miss out on holding on to phrases or words or whole paragraphs that actually can find a space in your story. Yeah, another thing I tried, which. I didn't, I only used once and it probably, it was more of like a software thing than anything else, but another method I tried to, like, tap into that and not get distracted with, like, the editing was to do dictation because, I mean, I'm always, like, in my head, especially when I'm walking, and so I went on a walk and I used just the general like notes app on my phone and put it on, you know, dictation mode and just like this, you know, stream of consciousness talked about whatever things I'm going to do with friendship or something that I was working on at that point. And, And that was helpful because then I, I wouldn't get into, I mean, I'm not even looking at the words. It's already in a digital format. So I don't feel like I'm wasting time, quote unquote, by, you know, writing it and pen and paper somewhere and then having to later just read, you know, type it again and do the work again into the computer. The particular app I was using, or maybe it had to do with my headphones too, was a little bit clumsy. And it was like. Missing stuff or it would like lag behind a little too much or it would suddenly stop and I wouldn't realize that it stopped and have to start it again. So I think if I had better software company that then that might have turned into a method that would have worked for me because I do. I do, my brain does seem to be able to get to the, like, meat of the matter when I can distract my body with walking, whereas when I'm sitting at the computer, I don't know, I get a little bit of, like, that monkey brain trying to turn on and interrupt, you know, that flow state. So I think that's something that maybe I would use again in the future, potentially with, you know, working some of the, like, kinks out of the technology aspect of it. Have you tried any of that? Well, I, I haven't tried dictation, but I definitely. It's definitely one that I would try. I've used the voice memo app, and then I listen back to myself and I'll type from, I'll type from there as I'm listening, and I, and I, I definitely think that there's a lot of power in taking yourself for a walk. I know the author, Julia Cameron, who's A The artist's way is a very popular starting place for a lot of, a lot of writers especially in memoir, because it's a lot about focusing on your own story and writing your story in a very authentic way. And she. recommend taking yourself for a walk and using that time to clear your head or find your ideas. And there's definitely a lot of power in getting outside in nature and getting that fresh air. And it allows your brain to work in a different way. And I think you're right that that that act of sitting and we definitely do it a lot is, can, can almost stunt the creative process sometimes. And I, I would definitely consider using that more because I, I often find when I'm out walking the dog or just outside and then I come up with an idea and I've been doing this more recently is when I'm out, all of a sudden I'm like, Oh, I have an idea. And then I pull up the voice memo, but dictation would be nicer because then it would already be written out. And I think, I feel like you can dictate into Google docs now and. You know, other they're definitely a lot more apps out there for that. I certainly haven't explored them because I'm, I tend to lean more towards the really sort of traditional old school ways of doing things. But anything that makes, you know, the writing process, you know, where you're. Working smarter rather than harder can, I mean, everybody has to find their path. There, there's definitely, I think one of the hard things, especially in writing communities that I've found sometimes is there's this sense that there's one way. To be a writer or one way to be a, you know, a published author. And really, there's so many ways that you can find yourself there. And I think for our listeners, it's you, you need to find the way that works for you. You need to find. The pieces and put them together that make writing make sense for you, and especially for telling your story, let, you're the, you're the one being the author of your life. And while others can definitely give their opinions and their insights and their feedback, ultimately, at the end of the day, it's your decision what goes into your final published book. I think that's some of what gives me. Like a little bit of confidence, even if it's false confidence about writing memoir is because ultimately you're the only one that can write your memoir, you know, so like, not even like the most, you know, best selling authors in the world can write your story better than you because it's your story. Right. So I just. I, I try to keep that in mind when I, you know, sometimes have those doubts about, you know, the value of my story, or am I telling it right? Or, you know, am I using the right words? I like what you brought up as far as like the take yourself for a walk because even you know the times that I wasn't the one time I wasn't you know dictating into the phone there's plenty of like hikes and walks I've gone on at various points in the writing process when I was feeling stuck and in in just in moving my body that way for me that would help just spark ideas or spark other stories when I would sit there and try to think through my life and I wonder, like, oh, well, do I have a really good example that shows, like, my people pleaser tendency, or how can I, you know, show versus tell, you know, this aspect of my, like, upbringing, or my college experience, or whatever it was that I was trying to do. And, you know, and just trying to sit there and, like, force your brain to, like, go through your filing cabinets of your history. I would sometimes come up empty, but then I would, you know, go on a hike, especially out here in Colorado. There's tons of great places to go. And those things would just kind of come to me when I wasn't, you know, actively focused on trying to remember them. And I would just type that into like a notes app or something on my phone to remember. Just enough keywords that it would trigger the memory, you know, because I mean, I know these stories. It's my life. So just enough keywords so that I can remember, oh yeah, I was thinking that that might be a good story to tell or that was a good example maybe of this, this feeling or this situation that I want to capture or describe or this relationship dynamic that I don't feel like is clear in the book yet. What other things do you see as being like self care practices for you as a writer? Even those that maybe don't directly translate to to your writing. I, well, I definitely, I mean, having a regular yoga practice has become a huge part of my, my creative. Life and process just having that time and space where it's just me on the mat, even if I'm in a yoga class with, you know, 10 other people, I'm just there for me because I know the benefits of allowing myself to be grounded and centered and focused and. You know, reflect on, you know, if I'm doing yoga after I've just been writing, it's like, Oh, it's kind of a decompression time. And I can just let go of whatever, maybe if I was struggling, it's like, okay, the struggle goes away and I can have this renewed focus when I'm done with yoga. And then I was just sharing with you that I just. was sort of coming back to reality because I was at a craniosacral treatment and that can sound kind of like, Oh, what's that? And it's, you know, sort of this gentle laying on of hands at your sacrum and on your head and different, different gentle pressure points, but it. Reworks the energy in your body in a way that allow for me allows for greater focus. And so it's just a very helpful way to go to therapy. There's a little bit of therapeutic talk but it's also a way to kind of process things that are stressful or things that are weighing on your mind. in just a different way. And it, and again, you know, for self care, it's, you know, what are the pieces that are going to work for you? And especially with writing in memoir, where you can be deep into stories that can feel very uncomfortable and bring up emotions, or maybe they're joyous and happy and, and they can be all over the map. For sure. I mean, certainly if I were to write my own story, it would be I'd be all over the map all the time. So I think it's important to remember to take those moments of, you know, stepping back from all your responsibilities and doing something for yourself. And I mean, we've talked about this too. I mean, both of us are moms, different, different stages. anD ages, but certainly just all of the demands when you're in the motherhood zone, that can almost feel like you think to yourself, or at least I do, I'm not so sure I can write today. I can't even have a clear thought. And so being able to have aspects of self care that take you out of that place. And bring you back to being grounded are so important as, as writers and authors. Yeah, I think you bring up a great point, you know, it's like the stuff we do to get into the flow, but then what else do you do for yourself, like, bring yourself back especially as I've, you know, struggled to write some of my stories. You know, there were certain writing days where, you know, because of the nature of what I was trying to capture in the words, I really needed that, uh, method to sort of decompress and, and ground myself again after a writing session. For me, I, I rely pretty heavily on, like, just a hot Epsom salt bath for just, like, getting myself kind of, like, calmed back down again, especially when something has been, Um, more emotionally demanding of me and, and because you, to write memoir, I, you know, I really have to just plant myself right back down in the middle of just the like ugliness of it, right? And then, and then try to like work myself out of it again. And so for me, I found that that's one of my like quickest methods for. recalibrating and grounding at the end of a more intensive writing session. But I thought that was great that you brought up that point that like, not only are we using some of these techniques to figure out how to get into that part of our brain, but then also to like, work ourselves back out of that again, because because we can't, we can't live there forever. No. And I mean, baths are definitely Luxurious when you just need to decompress. I mean, that is definitely, I mean, that would definitely be added to my list for sure. I mean, it's, I mean, all, I mean, all great things come from that as well, for sure. How, how do you feel or how have, in your experience, if you've done any of this, how have, like, writing retreats played into your writing as far as, like, how you take care of yourself as a writer? Well, I, I think any time that You can take time for yourself and really own that title of being a writer is so important. I, I know with I just recently participated in a virtual writing retreat and one of the things that came up over and over again for people was that piece of Owning the title of I am a writer and saying, I am a writer. And there's often so much resistance. I feel that people have because they think, well, I'm not good enough. Or like we talked about at the beginning of this conversation, like maybe my story isn't going to resonate with someone or why does my story matter? I'm not, you know, on the front page of. front cover of People magazine. And, you know, everybody doesn't know who I am, but really it's the retreats allow for you to take time away from your daily chores and responsibilities and immerse yourself with other writers. And it just, the energy that comes from that Is very contagious, you know, and all of a sudden you're like, Oh, I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I think what where people often struggle is what do I do after that? And that's why our community is so great because it's a space where you can be essentially in a writing retreat. Anytime you want to be, you can take time out and be a part of the. The weekly writing times we have and jump in the chat and, you know, share something you've written when the prompts are up and just. embrace that space for yourself, even if it's online. That's one of the best ways. And I mean, we've, you and I have talked about just, we're fortunate to have a local writers group that we can go to, but not everybody has that. And to be able to find a space for yourself as a writer. allows for that embracing that identity piece and saying like, yes, my story matters and I'm going to write it and I'm going to find a place and I'm going to find the support, uh, because writing in community is to me so much more beneficial than writing in isolation. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, I had to take a break, you know, from our local writers group during the summer because my kid was at home, you know, and that meant that I didn't write like all summer. I didn't have the time to do it. I put the book aside. I like basically paused at the end of April and then didn't pick it up again until actually her first week back at school in school. August and, you know, if, if we had had this in place back then, oh, my God, that would have been a godsend. Even if, you know, I do the stuff like during the daytime hours, even just catching those evening meetings, you know, once my then partner was home to, like, help manage. You know, the kid or just put my video on mutes and join in where I could to get inspiration and accountability for writing. Like, that would have been game changing. So even though we have the access to a local group, like, I haven't always been able to, to, you know, attend consistently. It depends on, you know, what season of life. I know you've had that too with, you know, juggling different homes and stuff. And sometimes you're here and sometimes you're You know, living elsewhere and, you know, it's, that is really nice about, like, while we sometimes, we lose a little bit of that, like, in person connection, I do really value that when you have an online community, but at least you have the consistency of, like, Who's who can be there who and how you show up and it's the same space no matter where you are physically Like you could you can show up to this online group and like know what to expect, right? Like it becomes a little bit of like a safe place for you a safe haven absolutely, and we definitely invite listeners check us out inspired writer collective And we hope you'll, you'll join us. You'll find the links here attached to this video. And you can also search for us through the Mighty Networks platform. And we are also on Instagram at Inspired Writer Collective. We would love to have you join us. We're so glad you're here listening to this. We hope you've found some sort of inspiration or commiseration in the things that we've shared today. That's, that's our hope. That's, that's why we show up. That's why we love doing this. Right. Thanks, guys. See you next time. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of the Inspired Writer Collective podcast. We hope you found inspiration, insights, and connection to yourself as a writer. If you enjoyed this episode, please share, subscribe, and leave us a 5 star review. Remember, the power of storytelling lies within each of us, and by supporting one another, we can make a difference. We can amplify our voices and craft narratives that resonate with the world. We're not just about words on a page. We're passionate about the craft, the process, and building a supportive community. Become a part of our community by connecting with us on social media. You can find us on Instagram and YouTube at inspired writer collective on Tik TOK at inspired writer LLC by joining our writing community online at inspired dash writer. Dash collective.mn.co and let's continue this writing journey Together, you can find links in the show notes. Until next time, fellow writers may your pens be mighty and your stories captivating. Happy writing.